•9:35 AM
"You'd gladly sleep through the intervening years and wake up when this part is over."
Have you ever felt like that? I have. A couple of times. One time in particular. As I have mentioned, Caiden was born nine weeks premature. He was perfect in every way ... he just needed to continue to grow. And even though I cried (a lot) and worried (a lot), I always knew that everything would be fine. That he would be fine. I strongly believed that ... there were no other options. I can recall telling the Neonatologist ... "I just want this part to be over." He would give me a strange look, trying to figure out what I meant. I was willing it to be six weeks later, and for the hard part to be done. Of course, I had no idea that the worries involved in parenting had only just begun. But that is all part of being a first-time parent, isn't it? Oh, to be that naive and inexperienced again ...
Bright Lights Big City by Jay McInerney is just what I needed. It is a great book, and reminded me why I love to read. I guess I was feeling more bogged down than I realized. It is a quick read, but full of emotion and absolutely great characters. Awesome, real characters. The story centres around a twenty-four-year-old urbanite, whose wife left him a few months back and his life is spinning out of control due to cocaine and alcohol; but also because he is just feeling lost. He doesn't want to live the way he is; he's looking for a way out. But sometimes, you have to travel to places you never imagined you would be, in order to become the person you want to be.
It is written in a really unique style ... like the narrator is telling the story, of himself, to himself. Maybe his way of stepping outside his own life and observing what he sees, while still understanding the motivation behind the behaviour.
The quote at the beginning of the post is taken from the book. It sort of sums up the story ... the narrator just wants this part to be over. He seems to know that things will not always be like they are now, and that he must go through this part of his life to get where he is suppose to end up. But he is just waiting for it to be over. Do you think everyone can do that? Be objective about their own self? I don't think so. I think that is why addiction continues, depression continues ... the person cannot see past the pain they are in right now. And it becomes overwhelming.
And at the end of the story we learn the source of the narrator's pain ... stop reading if you don't want to know. I have written about this so many times, it is becoming redundant. He becomes troubled after the death of his mother, which happened exactly one year ago. He misses her, and he wants the love and friendship she gave to him.
It is difficult to lose a parent. But, we all have to do it, right? It's the cycle of life. Because the alternative - a parent outliving their child - is so much more tragic. Trust me on this. When Caiden was a little younger, he was VERY concerned about death ... especially mine. And so, he and I have talked about this many times.
"I don't think I could live without you, Mommy," he told me at bedtime one night, with such genuine emotion I thought my heart would melt right there.
"But it's as natural to die, as it is to be born," I explained. "And someday, when you are all grown up, with a family of your own, I will die. And, you'll keep me alive by remembering me and all the fun things we did together." He takes in what I have told him ... so serious, my Caiden is.
"Like how you bake us really yummy desserts and you do the laundry?" Back to reality.
"Well, hopefully, we have done things that are more fun than laundry ... like the day we went to the Maple Syrup farm, or when you kicked my butt at Mario Kart ... wait, that happens every day."
He giggled, and pulled the covers up around his face, telling me he loves me and that he would see me in the morning.
And so, if I die today, I will be remembered as the lady who could bake a mean chocolate chip cookie and push through eight loads of laundry in a day if I have to.
Maybe I should make some kind of effort to change that ... but then again, I know that it will not always be like this. Once again, there will be more to my life than trying to keep clean clothes in the house and creating fun desserts. In the meantime, I will try to appreciate my life for what it is. Afterall, it is everything I always wanted. So, I don't want to sleep through it ... I want to embrace this time with every part of me.
Bright Lights Big City was written in 1984 ... but it is still current and can teach you something while keeping you well entertained. Pick it up sometime ...
discussion,
drugs,
family
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