•2:22 PM
The brain is a very powerful piece of machinery. One of its jobs is to protect you ... from things that can hurt you, destroy you. My brain has been very good at its job.
When Caiden was just an infant, I took him to Kindermusik classes. Parents attend with their infants and sing songs with simple actions. We stopped going when he was about two-and-a-half-years old because Mommy could not coordinate the class with his baby sister's nap routine - I guess you know where my priorities lie. I highly recommend these classes to all parents ... they're fun and Caiden loved them so much.
There was one song though ... it had a tune that upset me. I mean, this little lullaby moved me to tears every time I heard it. And yet, I was drawn to it; in fact, I loved it. I had no idea why. One day, Jonesy walked in while it was playing and saw the tears in my eyes. I explained the affect the song had on me and he knew why ...
"It is the tune from Blackbird," he told me. I just looked at him blankly, because not only did I not know the song he was referring to, but I had no idea how it related to me. "You know, the song they played at your brother's funeral ..." But that was more than twenty years ago.
I still had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even know they played music at Joel's funeral. In fact, I don't really remember the funeral at all. Shouldn't I remember that? But I don't ... because my brain is protecting me from it ... from the memories and the hurt.
Last summer, I won a copy of Alice Kuiper's new book, The Worst Thing She Ever Did (2010). I would like to tell you that I just haven't had time to read it, but that would only be half true. I think I have been avoiding it. You see, the story is of Sophie who has tragically lost her sister, and she is trying to deal with the loss ... and, I was afraid that some painful memories would surface. And I might not be able to deal with it ...
But, I handled it ... I mean, a few tears were shed but that happens often when I read. I could relate to so much of what Sophie goes through ... her sense of looking for some sort of "normal-ness" in life, her feeling like an outsider, her wishing things could just go back to the way it used to be. She walks through the street, quite literally as her world is crashing down around her, and everyone else is just going about their daily lives. I recall going to the grocery store (when the police were still searching for Joel's body), and wondering how everybody could just go on, like nothing had changed. How could people just buy their groceries when my brother had drowned and I did not know what to do? I honestly didn't know what I was suppose to do next.
Sophie moves through the first year of life without her sister with the help of a therapist, and begins to write poetry. She does not want to remember and forces the memories away. But the more she remembers the good times with her sister, the more she is able to come to terms with Emily's death. Until she remembers everything. And that is all I will tell you ... because you should read it for yourself.
My only criticism of the whole story is that I find it difficult to believe this young, seventeen-year-old emotionally distraught girl could write the insightful, mature, abstract poem that she finishes by the end of the book. Because if there is one thing that I have learned over this past semester, it is that a poem is not something that you just jot down - its greatness comes together after a great deal of thought. Read some e e cummings, to see what I am getting at. But that is just me ... perhaps I am a non-believer, a cynic.
I wonder what would have flowed from my brain to a piece of paper in the months following Joel's death ...
Now, when I listen to Blackbird - which is not very often - I become very sad, and introspective, and teary. But I have come to understand why. And I live in fear of the day, I let myself remember ...
I read another book by Alice Kuipers ... click here to check out my thoughts on it.
Thanks to the girls at Let the Words Flow for the book!!
And, to read more about my brother, click here.
When Caiden was just an infant, I took him to Kindermusik classes. Parents attend with their infants and sing songs with simple actions. We stopped going when he was about two-and-a-half-years old because Mommy could not coordinate the class with his baby sister's nap routine - I guess you know where my priorities lie. I highly recommend these classes to all parents ... they're fun and Caiden loved them so much.
There was one song though ... it had a tune that upset me. I mean, this little lullaby moved me to tears every time I heard it. And yet, I was drawn to it; in fact, I loved it. I had no idea why. One day, Jonesy walked in while it was playing and saw the tears in my eyes. I explained the affect the song had on me and he knew why ...
"It is the tune from Blackbird," he told me. I just looked at him blankly, because not only did I not know the song he was referring to, but I had no idea how it related to me. "You know, the song they played at your brother's funeral ..." But that was more than twenty years ago.
I still had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even know they played music at Joel's funeral. In fact, I don't really remember the funeral at all. Shouldn't I remember that? But I don't ... because my brain is protecting me from it ... from the memories and the hurt.
Last summer, I won a copy of Alice Kuiper's new book, The Worst Thing She Ever Did (2010). I would like to tell you that I just haven't had time to read it, but that would only be half true. I think I have been avoiding it. You see, the story is of Sophie who has tragically lost her sister, and she is trying to deal with the loss ... and, I was afraid that some painful memories would surface. And I might not be able to deal with it ...
But, I handled it ... I mean, a few tears were shed but that happens often when I read. I could relate to so much of what Sophie goes through ... her sense of looking for some sort of "normal-ness" in life, her feeling like an outsider, her wishing things could just go back to the way it used to be. She walks through the street, quite literally as her world is crashing down around her, and everyone else is just going about their daily lives. I recall going to the grocery store (when the police were still searching for Joel's body), and wondering how everybody could just go on, like nothing had changed. How could people just buy their groceries when my brother had drowned and I did not know what to do? I honestly didn't know what I was suppose to do next.
Sophie moves through the first year of life without her sister with the help of a therapist, and begins to write poetry. She does not want to remember and forces the memories away. But the more she remembers the good times with her sister, the more she is able to come to terms with Emily's death. Until she remembers everything. And that is all I will tell you ... because you should read it for yourself.
My only criticism of the whole story is that I find it difficult to believe this young, seventeen-year-old emotionally distraught girl could write the insightful, mature, abstract poem that she finishes by the end of the book. Because if there is one thing that I have learned over this past semester, it is that a poem is not something that you just jot down - its greatness comes together after a great deal of thought. Read some e e cummings, to see what I am getting at. But that is just me ... perhaps I am a non-believer, a cynic.
I wonder what would have flowed from my brain to a piece of paper in the months following Joel's death ...
Now, when I listen to Blackbird - which is not very often - I become very sad, and introspective, and teary. But I have come to understand why. And I live in fear of the day, I let myself remember ...
I read another book by Alice Kuipers ... click here to check out my thoughts on it.
Thanks to the girls at Let the Words Flow for the book!!
And, to read more about my brother, click here.
brothers,
discussion,
family,
memories
|
2 comments:
I'm glad we talked about this before you wrote it, Jill. It drums up many forgotten memories and I know I must read "The Worst Thing She Ever Did". Please let me borrow it. I hope it was "healing" in some way for you. Big hugs............
I haven't lost a sibling but I know the feeling of seeing people having lunch, shopping, laughing, just doing so-called 'normal' things when I couldn't hardly put one foot in front of the other. And wanting so badly to have that normalness back again. It does come back eventually for the most part but it's that 'new' normal. Sounds like a good read, maybe on my Kindle??